I was drunk today. I drank to the extent that the alcohol started taking over my brain. I could not stand properly. And I really rejoiced that. I have none in this world. I realised it yet again. But much to surprise it brought an utter joy to me. Because my search ended there. And I found none. None there for me, not my parents, neither my friends nor anyone. I am really happy now. I think my tears have dried up.
Today I was forced to break the door of our Almira. I was really determined today to submit the sem form and forgot to tell mom about that. Although I left a note on the table, mom overlooked that and I was left helpless. So I had to break it, although later I found it on my book shelf. I was really sorry about that. But as soon as I returned home after a toiling day, my dad started addressing me in some bad names. Numerous times I told him to stop that and oblige me but who cares? he continued. Finally it crossed my threshold of patience and I counteracted. So the situation is very much against me now.
Sometimes I feel that there is no place for me in this world, none cares about me. None cares about my feeling, my emotions, my sentiments. None defends me, none understands me really. The sea of gloom always surrounds me, and whenever I try to cross it, an octopus pulls me back, as if there's a curse on me. I am not destined to me happy. I try to overlook that, and the only way to do so it to loose control over my brain. But that's prohibited too. Every time a faintest odour of ethyl alcohol comes out of my mouth or even if there's a slightest of pupil dilution, my parents start to take on me. I know its impossible for them to allow their son get drunk, but what about me???
I am a son, I am a friend, I am student but where am I as a human being?? People are just scared to go out of their boundaries, their small nuclear worlds, with which they are acquainted, the same old faces recurs around me, the same old events. Waking up at 10, going to college, returning from college, tolerating parents blah blah!man give me a break. I want to get out of it. By any mean!!
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
23/02/09
Life back to normal again. The temporary disturbances that were created has settled down. Not smoothly, but still it has settled and I am me again. Not trying to live under someone else's shadow. One thing I have realized that there was no need of such an unwanted pain. God gifted me that, don't know why, but still its a gift from the God, so one has to accept it. So have I accepted, yet again.
But life's finally back to track, everything's zooming past as it used to be a few months back, leaving me no time to lament. The labs started bothering me again, those reports are making me stay awake until dawn. Sometimes I have heard people complaining about their life cycle, they say that they can't shut their eyelids before 2 am or say 3 am.But I remain awake until 6 am sometimes. Not that I don't feel sleepy, but I push myself up to stay awake, that's something even more painstaking.
The BASIC programs bothering me yet again, and now FORTRAN has joined the party. I have absolutely no idea about what to do, because I had had some idea about BASIC before I actually entered the class but I know nothing about FORTRAN.
And about the studies, I am lagging severely, almost half the semester has passed and the classtests are about to start, but I have managed to read only the initial 5 pages of FIELD THEORY, and about the other subjects- the lesser I say about them is the better, because I have not opened the books till now.
Ma and Baba has increased my pocket money to 1500 bucks/month excluding the transport and mobile expenses. That's quite a handsome amount of money I think. But still I am struggling to manage the budget. I have only 32 Rs/- left this month and there's still 5 days to go. God knows what will I do. My expenditure has shown an exponential growth recently. Thanks to me and my pals . My addiction towards Coke [Coca cola yaar] and cigarettes has enhanced it even further. I reckon I will have to put a brake on it, unless my parents are going to be bankrupt very soon.
My fetish towards table tennis has increased even further, more so because I disentangled the mystery of backhand smashes, drives, loops, and blocks. That recent improvement has been overshadowed by my eternal weakness in returning serves. I must unveil this mystery "HOW TO RETURN A SERVE WHICH HAS SOME SPIN AND SIMULTANEOUSLY PACE IN IT". Also my forehand chops are weak and tend to loop a bit and my backhand loops is too slow paced [although I am supposedly the only person in the whole tt room who plays that stroke]. I will have to work on it as well as on my serve. It really great to watch me serving, but the forehand pendulum is so weak that even the noobs return it. Although even the pros cant attack it 8). But still I will have to improve.My backhand pendulum has lost its bite and due to lack of practice I forgot the backhand stomp. Should I try a tomahawk? I will have to think on that.
Sanskriti is nearing by as is the semester. The first is a matter of rejoice while the second is that of grief. Sudipto will sit again next to me!! :( ahhh! nightmare.
I have recently seen a girl who is very much like me. Although we have much of dissimilarities between us. Like she's a medical student while myself is an engineering one. God! please no more cupid strikes this time. :(
But life's finally back to track, everything's zooming past as it used to be a few months back, leaving me no time to lament. The labs started bothering me again, those reports are making me stay awake until dawn. Sometimes I have heard people complaining about their life cycle, they say that they can't shut their eyelids before 2 am or say 3 am.But I remain awake until 6 am sometimes. Not that I don't feel sleepy, but I push myself up to stay awake, that's something even more painstaking.
The BASIC programs bothering me yet again, and now FORTRAN has joined the party. I have absolutely no idea about what to do, because I had had some idea about BASIC before I actually entered the class but I know nothing about FORTRAN.
And about the studies, I am lagging severely, almost half the semester has passed and the classtests are about to start, but I have managed to read only the initial 5 pages of FIELD THEORY, and about the other subjects- the lesser I say about them is the better, because I have not opened the books till now.
Ma and Baba has increased my pocket money to 1500 bucks/month excluding the transport and mobile expenses. That's quite a handsome amount of money I think. But still I am struggling to manage the budget. I have only 32 Rs/- left this month and there's still 5 days to go. God knows what will I do. My expenditure has shown an exponential growth recently. Thanks to me and my pals . My addiction towards Coke [Coca cola yaar] and cigarettes has enhanced it even further. I reckon I will have to put a brake on it, unless my parents are going to be bankrupt very soon.
My fetish towards table tennis has increased even further, more so because I disentangled the mystery of backhand smashes, drives, loops, and blocks. That recent improvement has been overshadowed by my eternal weakness in returning serves. I must unveil this mystery "HOW TO RETURN A SERVE WHICH HAS SOME SPIN AND SIMULTANEOUSLY PACE IN IT". Also my forehand chops are weak and tend to loop a bit and my backhand loops is too slow paced [although I am supposedly the only person in the whole tt room who plays that stroke]. I will have to work on it as well as on my serve. It really great to watch me serving, but the forehand pendulum is so weak that even the noobs return it. Although even the pros cant attack it 8). But still I will have to improve.My backhand pendulum has lost its bite and due to lack of practice I forgot the backhand stomp. Should I try a tomahawk? I will have to think on that.
Sanskriti is nearing by as is the semester. The first is a matter of rejoice while the second is that of grief. Sudipto will sit again next to me!! :( ahhh! nightmare.
I have recently seen a girl who is very much like me. Although we have much of dissimilarities between us. Like she's a medical student while myself is an engineering one. God! please no more cupid strikes this time. :(
Sunday, February 08, 2009
8/02/09
I will be harsh, rude henceforth. I will speak the truth however hard it may sound henceforth, I will hurt people henceforth. I have found out my problem. I have been very polite, very "good", but its time for a change. I will inflict the same pain that I have withstanded on everyone. From now on, I will never be kind, never be benevolent , never be polite, there will be nothing angelic about me. Sometimes I feel a bit awkward, but I'll have to do it.
Sunday, February 01, 2009
Confusion
What should we do?? should we keep trying and trying until it keep tolling us or should we rather stop, and let destiny play its role. I am really confused. I am not still in a state where one's brain gets dead and only the heart keeps beating like a pump, circulating sewage water through one's vain. I must say that I have not still reached that state. I am very much enjoying my life. My life cycle, waking up at 11:00, rushing to college, friends, parents, chatting with old friends in Orkut, listening to songs, downloading movies and watching them, playing games, both indoors and outdoors. I am enjoying my life. But I'm confused. What to do?? should I take the responsibility or should I leave it in the hands of destiny. I need some light.
1/2/2009
Wrapped in polythene tucked away safe in my mind
A little goodbye may be or just a passing smile
-These are the initial lines of a song that I did not like once. Yesterday night I had a tough fight with my N70, I wanted to get it connected to my PC, while the stubborn device simply refused to do so, I tried everything form reinstalling the pc suite to grinding the jack to the port, but none worked. Then I opened the bottom lid and tried to connect it and voila! it was done. Its a poor example though but still an example of how tough problems can be solved in trivial fashion. Our life is a big game, during this journey of innings, we come across different problems, some are important,some not so.We confront those situations with all the force we have, but sometimes they don't require such a brutal approach. Many things can be solved with a gentle approach towards it.
Ok!! enough of advices. Let's get back to the topic [if there's any :D], I used to hate that song once and now I have listened it for about 15 or so times since last night. Here I got another important lesson, that no song is good or bad, it entirely depends on your mood. Depending on your mood you may look for a hard rock song, and again sometimes you may even look for a soft one.
A little goodbye may be or just a passing smile
-These are the initial lines of a song that I did not like once. Yesterday night I had a tough fight with my N70, I wanted to get it connected to my PC, while the stubborn device simply refused to do so, I tried everything form reinstalling the pc suite to grinding the jack to the port, but none worked. Then I opened the bottom lid and tried to connect it and voila! it was done. Its a poor example though but still an example of how tough problems can be solved in trivial fashion. Our life is a big game, during this journey of innings, we come across different problems, some are important,some not so.We confront those situations with all the force we have, but sometimes they don't require such a brutal approach. Many things can be solved with a gentle approach towards it.
Ok!! enough of advices. Let's get back to the topic [if there's any :D], I used to hate that song once and now I have listened it for about 15 or so times since last night. Here I got another important lesson, that no song is good or bad, it entirely depends on your mood. Depending on your mood you may look for a hard rock song, and again sometimes you may even look for a soft one.
A tribute to PkC & AD
Why do people suffer from Insomnia? I wanna say that why does this disease at all occur when there is an efficient person like PKC, who calls himself an engineer, has a face that almost leads one to conclude that he has a Mongolian origin[reminds me of the pork that I had at peepin], who speaks in a language which is neither Bengali nor English and expected neither is Hebrew, speaks in a wavelength that's well below the subsonic range that reminds one of Granny's fairy tales that would surely put even an insomniac to sleep, has an attitude that seems to be polite to many, esp. to the gays of our class. He has an eternal attraction towards gays. A man true to his work who never arrives in the college before 11:30 and still expects his students to wait for him. A personality with whom we are " proud" to share 3 hours on every Tuesday!! A class that we are not allowed to bunk [its sessional], where it is impossible to take a nap and even more impossible to stay awake. A a very respectable personality with an immense knowledge in peeling bananas and extraordinary mathematics skills that leads him prove that 2 to the power negative 128 = 2 to the power zero, a man who his responsible for rejuvenating our hangman skills. But wait if there is PkC there is AD too. He also has an immense knowledge in electrical machines. But he talks shit in a howling voice that will put even Banerjeeda in shame. This man is a genius, he calls the roll in the reverse order. and expect the students to announce his/her presence twice. What's the problem with you guys, I mean we know that you had tough times as students, being kicked out of the class each time you appeared there, getting your papers cancelled for cheating shamelessly, searching hard for a paper to copy at PHD but that certainly does not imply that you guys will inflict the same with us, the unfortunate ones. I know its really very hard to withstand six supplies in a semester. We are better than you guys, stop feeling insecure, stop suffering in inferiority just accept the fact, WE ARE BETTER THAN YOU GUYS. Stop feeling jealous.
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