Today I enjoyed "Bhoothnath" with my family. I was feeling gloomy. Although I believe that true happiness lies in making the faces around you happier, but still there was some hitch in my mind. Perhaps, I felt a little bit jealous of the wave of glee surrounding me. Whatever, much to my surprise I actually liked the film.I don't mean to say that the plot was awesome.But some scenes were really touchy. Like the one in which the little boy takes part in the "sraddha" of Kailasnath or the one in which Kailasnath achieved nirvana.I was moved by the emotion hidden in those scenes and suddenly felt that something warm is crawling down my cheeks. I was astonished to see that those were tears actually. This isn't the first time. When I asked one of my closest friend to suggest me some tragic movie, he advised me to watch "Requiem for a dream". That night I cried like I never did before. I do cry. Now that when I evaluate myself, sometimes I do get astonished. Like I still long for running across a lash green fields in a drizzle or I still long for turning at the sky only to see it overcast, pick up the wickets and run for home, I still long for searching shells in the field or listening to fairy tales. I still think tooth fairies and grandma fairy do exist. I still prefer cartoon network than any other channel. I still believe that when you love someone wholeheartedly and truly from inside, he/she will realise it someday and come back to you.
I think although I have grown up, the inner me is still a kid. He has become responsible, he has adapted himself with this world of adults but still he is a kid.

Someday back, one of my the then closest pals told me that she has grown up. She has abandoned all the thoughts that were in her head when she was young. She wanted to cut the last thread of friendship with me. I asked her the cause but no use. I didn't get a answer. Now I think she's quite right. She has grown up while I haven't.There will be a huge mentality gap. I think she didn't want to hurt me, didn't want to make me face the bare truth. That's why!

Sometimes I get confused. How to grow up. How to act like a man rather than a kid? Is there some kind of magic potion. I simply can't grow up. When I try to act like an adult, people laugh me off. Again almost half an year back someone said," you are impossible". I can't remember who exactly he/she is. But still, I think he/she was right. I am impossible.

PS:- If someone knows how to prepare/get that magic potion, please tell me. I want to grow up. :)

Some people can trust others, some people can't
Some people can love others, some people can't
Some people seek happiness while some let happiness seek them
Some people love sorrow while some people accept it as a part of life
Some people are frightened of losing while some take failure as a pillar of success
Some people havereally grown up, while some still have some element of childishness hidden in them.

Some people win and some lose.
but at the end of the day, who becomes the ultimate winner?

Once I was in heaven, it felt real nice to look down and see people,nature everything. That was when I had wings, two white wings. I used to fly then. My wings got broken long ago. Movies does not repeat themselves in real life. I am still flying on my broken wings, but it wont take long to fall down and to die. Self esteem is a quality that I lack, but now I think whatever of that thing was left inside me has got accumulated and declared rebellion against me. They have deleted every traces of her that was left in my life. Now I say to people that I'm happy, but deep inside I know I am not. None is. But probably my case is a little worse. However I've taken some resolutions:
1) I'll never feel for anyone again, no matter what happens.
2) I'll be selfish from now on, enough of gaining pleasure by seeing people happy.
3) I'll not try to guess people henceforth,
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I know, that the person concerned will never watch this, but still, I am thankful to you, for making me realise that I was childish, I was pathetic; whatever dude!! Au revoir!!

chapa pore gecche dhulote
sei lekhata
jharbo na dhulo ar
dhaka acche
thak dhaka

somoi giyeche egiye
songe amio
tao amar kache
ajo kothaye jno lukano acche
sei lekhata
porbo na ami ar
dhaka acche
thak dhaka

smritir arale
bismritir majhe
hoito ek ghonta
kokhono ba arek ghonta
tobuo acche amar kache
sei lekhata
dekhbo na ami ar
dhaka acche
thak dhaka

etogulo din periye
etogulo bochor periye
chule dhoreche pak
hargulo-o ar temon joralo noye
onek egiye giyechi ami
onek onek uchute
tobuo majhe majhe
ekla rate, chokh jala kore
dactar bole
chingrimachta khaben na
histamine rash hoye
ami to jani
ekhono amar kache lukano acche
sei lekhata
ajo agle rekhechi buker modhye
holud hoye jaoa kichu kagoz
jole jaoa du-ekta photo
ar kichu smriti
harate chai,kintu harate pari na
sei lekhata
thak na
dhaka acche
thak dhaka

Sei sokkaltheke fachatfachat kore brishti porei jacche.Amader abhaoa office-er guldar lokjon bolechen- sara bochorer komti na pushiye charbe na ei brishti. Ninmochap betar ekhon 24 inchi muscle,ochirei seta 30 inchi-te pouchanor 1ta chance ache bole sona jacche, aboshya amader guldar officer khaskhobor. Tai ki hobe ki hobe na bola shokto. Chardike swine flu-er dapot-er modhye lokjon dhopadhop jore porche, ar sei virus onyer modhye transmit korbar joghonyo chokranto cholche. Abosthya emon dariyeche je naki kathi diye hachleo loke sondeho sondeho chokhe takaye. Bojho thela. Eke erokom weather, tar opor chutir din. Dinta besh valoi katar kotha chilo ar katlo-o besh.Mane shamuk-er dinkal besh valoi kate.Tar opor abar cholche classtest-er humki, fatoa jari hoyecche hoye classtest noye pkc-er violin. Sabu kheye sobbar pet bhore gecche, tai daota ar marte parlo na keo. Ar ami bosebose elangfelang likhe jachi.Dhussala!!!

Vanga janlata onekdin dhorei jalacche. Beta! na haoate nore, na pore, kicchui na. Jemon jhule acche temon-i. Ajkal ar orkut-e bokbok korte temon valo lage na. Onek-i to holo. Onekdin, onekkicchu. Anirbandar caseta amar khetre ar repeat korbe na dhorei neoa jaye. Ajkal Baghajatin station elei kno jno hat-ta mathaye uthe ase,bokar moto jhulte jhulte train-e jete jete. Ki ar korben uni? Ja korar to onek kichui korlen. Kintu nit fol? lobodongka. Tao kno jani na, Jadavpurer shonimondirtar samne atke jai. Ek hate ekta 5oo ml-er coke pet ar arek hate 1ta jolonto special. Chaina, tao mukh theke beriye jaye," Vogoban, meyeta jno valo thake." Kamon ekta odvut hoye gelo na puro beparta? Majhe majhe vabi, amra koto kicchu chaina, tao amader ta korte hoye. Amra semestar dite chai na, tao amader dite hoye; amra porte chaina,tao amader porte hoye; kokhono kokhono sudhu 1tu ekla thakte iccha kore, kintu keu ta thakte dile to! Sei thik kori rojdin je," na, ebar-i sesh, ar vabbo na.Ebar onyodik dekhboi." Kintu sei abar porerdin je k sei. Tao ekhon ekta valo bepar hoyecche, sokkal sokkal ar sei vitkelemi rogta amake paye na. Kintu tao, tao ekhono ami vabi, vebei jai ar mon kharap kori, pechar moto mukh kore bose thaki. Hoito somoyer sathe sathe etao sukiye jabe. Theke jabe sudhu duto bokar goppo. Tarpor keo hoito konodin sei goppota pore dekhbe. Ar hasbe, mon khule,pran khule. Tao ami khusi hobo. At least, kauke to khusi korte perechi,nijer simanatar baire giye.

aj theke thik korlum... nijer matrivasatei blog korbo :D... inziri vasata valo bote, lokjoner communicate korteo subidha hoye, but beparta holo ei je, amar blogtato ar USA-er kono lokjon porche na, nehat khub besi hole amar-i bondhura, ba aro besi hole amar-i "so called bondhura". Ta tara highly bangla khub bhalo bujhte parbe, ar tachara inziri vasata jotoi valo hok, je vasate kotha boli, j vasata vabi sei vasa chara, onyo kono vasate likhle kamon ekta guilt feeling hoye, ba better say, thik tripti hoye na. Tai switching to my mother tongue barring the obvious cases like "the evolution of game engine series"- jodi ota ar at all continue korar enthuta pai. Jara pore bujhte parchen, tader-k dhonyobad. Ar jara parchen na, tader jonye amar kichu korar nei. Tara sojotne tader somoyer sodbyabohar onyo kono blog pore korun,etai ami chai. :)

sd-
Sriman Arnab Basu
;)