Friday, May 29, 2009

31/08/08 - A curse in my life, a curse from which I am suffering till now, there was no need, nothing at all. I promised to myself that I'll not commit the same mistake yet again, but then I failed. There was something uncanny about the day. I felt on cloud nine that day. But now I feel that it was in fact the beginning of an end. It left me amidst nowhere. And then the struggle began once again, I was playing a lost game, my destiny was fixed right from that day. But still I overlooked it. The most frustrating part is I was cautious. I watched out every other alternatives. Everything that came into my mind. But I lost control over myself in between. And now I am facing the consequences. My dreams has become nightmares. I still can not believe I repeated the same mistake. 31/08/08- I dug my own graveyard.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

When I look at the sun, I get amazed by its constancy. Days after days after days, he shows the same face, same mentality, enlighten the world. I wonder, why aren't we like him. When I gaze at the horizon, the same sights flashes in front of my eyes. The same lash meadows, the same greenery, the same blue or gray sky. When I look at the rains, I wonder why does it always fall downwards. It could have traveled upwards [ya ya I know the gravity bullshit] or may have taken a hyperbolic path. But it never does. I wonder, what harm would have caused if we had the power to stop time. If we could just incarcerate all our memories within a bottle, and place the cap tight. If we could have been able to just throw the bad ones away, or what if we had a remote control, and go back into the past,undo and return.What harm would have caused if we had wings, white, black, gray, colorful like a Macao. I wonder what harm would have caused if we were given the power to forget certain phases of our life! may be an year or so. The world is really amazing.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Sems have finished.Leaving me even deeper into the agonies. The odds of daily life. Right now, I have someone just standing behind me, and as usual cursing me . sometimes I wonder, is it only me?? Is it only me, who face all these!! last time, I remember, when I pleaded to someone that I simply can't study any more. My mind was wondering in some nowhere place! where everything seemed vacant, and a whirl of sandstorm was rushing towards me, I felt helpless, I wanted to flee, but everywhere I went, I could still see the sandstorm! behind me. Some days back I told someone of killing one's inner self. Well, as usual he/she was indifferent. But that's a different matter, and I just don't wanna discuss about one of the greatest idiocies of my life. But still, while standing in front of that rushing storm, sometimes I felt that, I better give in, surrender myself to the storm, but the very next moment, I thought about what people think about me, I mean those who know me for a really long time. When these kinds of conflict goes inside one's mind, the letters on the books seem meaningless, all I needed at that time, was some helping hands, some soft hands on ma shoulders. But instead I got the same old reply," Study hard, and everything will be under your foot". Study my foot. And now the sems have ended and the nightmares are still lingering in ma mind. I want to be free, I want to go to somewhere where I need not explain anything to anyone, somewhere where I can do everything I want. I want peace, I want solitude, I want a vacant mind, I want to start everything from the scratch. I want to rebuild myself, mould myself in dices. But I know there's none who can grant my wishes. Fucking nobody. Every motherfucker has gone to sleep, they have stolen my sleep, my dreams. Leaving me alone. All I want is to rest!!!

Sunday, May 10, 2009

I can't remember anything
Can't tell if this is true or dream
Deep down inside I feel the scream
This terrible silence stops it there

Now that the war is through with me
I'm waking up, I cannot see
That there's not much left of me
Nothing is real but pain now

Hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please god, help me

Back in the womb it's much too real
In pumps life that I must feel
But can't look forward to reveal
Look to the time when I'll live

Fed through the tube that sticks in me
Just like a wartime novelty
Tied to machines that make me be
Cut this life off from me

Hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please god, wake me

Now the world is gone I'm just one
Oh god, help me

Hold my breath as I wish for death
Oh please god, help me

Darkness imprisoning me
All that I see
Absolute horror
I cannot live
I cannot die
Trapped in myself
Body my holding cell

Landmines has taken my sight
Taken my speech
Taken my hearing
Taken my arms
Taken my legs
Taken my soul
Left me with life in hell

-- ONE- Metallica

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Its seeming like a year. A never ending journey. The "semester". Its here yet again. Taking the hell out of us. And at the end of the day, some are rejoicing and others lamenting. Most of the time I belong to the second category though, its not yet halfway through, and I am feeling like I have lived a thousand years in between. Everyday, some minor mistakes, some majors; are putting cold water on my expected gpa. Although some say, it does not matter at all. But my target this year, is to improve my grade. Be that by, say .01 points but still.Since I entered the faculty, my grades are falling gradually, sometimes significantly, sometimes by minor proportions, but its yet to show a positive slope. There's no hope that I can do it this sem, but still I am aiming for a respectable grade. Be that around 8.5 or so.