Another Bengali Post :)

Hmmm... writing a Bengali post again, not because of limited English knowledge, just banglate likhte iccha korche.

Chutirdin thakle amar sokalbela shuru hoye 2:00 te kom-se-kom, ar self proclaimed chutirdin hole ektu taratari.Ta kal lokjon phone kore ar sms pathiye janalo je aj E-lab mass bunk kora habe. Besh valo bepar, lokjoner shubhobuddhir agom ghotecche, grade point-e ar lokjon attention pay korche na dekhe besh sukhi holam. Rattire besh taratari ghumiyeo porlam [mane 2:00 to] sokalbelate chokh khule dekhi 12:00 ta baje. Besh sokal sokal uthechi dekhe besh gorbo laglo nijer opor [hasa mana :x], hurumdurum kore toiri hoye niye college gelam. Baba khub chintito chilo amar class attendance niye, sokalbelate naki amake jigyes korechilo class kotaye, ami bolechi 12 tate. Tarpor 10:30 nagat naki deke bolechilo 12 tate class ekhono uthchi na kano??? naki bolechi class rat 12 tate [bojho!!!].

Ami janina kano lokjoner amake dekhlei tader sob sukhdukkher kotha mone pore jaye, mone hoye amake dekhlei mone hoye, " e byatar ektu har jalai" Rastai,train-e sob jaigate bus-er vara briddhir jonye khov, sanssarik osubidha ityadi sunte sunte Jadavpur namlam. Aurobindo tt-er abar amake dekhlei kortyobyer kotha mone pore, edin-o no exception. Rojdin valid ticket dekha sotteo onar kano je mone hoye ami binaticket-er jatri hote pari uni-i janen. Jai hok, samner kakur dokan theke Coke ar special kine onek expectation niye college-e giye lokjon-k tas khelte dekhata khub 1ta sukher kotha noi.

Aj kotha chilo 3 idiots dekhte jaoa habe. Khub valo kotha. " Give me some sunshine, give me some rain" ganta besh valo ar tachara Aamir khan-k Ryan-er role-e kamon manai setao dekhar iccha chilo, o hori! e to Ryan poche berulo Phunsuk. Hothat kore Phintso Dhipdhop Bhutiar kotha mone pore gelo. Jai hok, cinemata otyonto valo, tabe kina amar personally mone hoye Ryan-er character onek besi colorful chilo. Aamir Khan jothesto chesta korecchen roletake fotabar. Perechen to a great extent. Sob miliye, AMAR CINEMATA MARATTOK VALO LEGECCHE. Tabe kina ei sem-e induction motor acche, ar "how does it start?"-er answer-e "bhruuuuuuum" likhle real chap has. Arekta jinis bujhlam je ami kano Ryan hote parbo na, XAM-ER AGER RATE 1TUO NA PORLE AMI TOP TO DURER KOTHA, PASS-O KORTE PARBO NA. :( TABE RYAN TOP KORTO NA. BUT PHUNSHUK TO KORE!! eita hocche sarabocchor dhore porar sufol. Exam-er ager rate ja khusi koro! :(

But eto khusite 1 fota chuna ki thakbe na??? thaktei habe. Hall theke berutei "A few great men" Ciggies kinte jacchilam,Souvik chellalo " Aste habe na toke", "Kano?" " Asis na" " Ami agei dekhechi, sona!! " Ektu kharap laglo.But ovyes hoye gecche. Sagnik-er kothata thik ar sei karonei Eden..... :D :P :P :P. Ferar porthe "Rimli"te 1 ghonta dhore khelam... mane khete 10 min ar order aste 50 min. Vabchi, guiness book of world record-e "Rimli"-r naam pathabo. Chef tussi great ho.

Tarpor dang dadang dang kore, bari chole elam. Kintu 1ta jinis seriously amake vabacche. Eto sundorvabe kono lok ba group of lok ki kore sob trace mucche felte pare. Ki odvut bepar!! kono trace-i pacchi na. Chulke chulke mathaye tak pore gelo, but tao jekhane chilo sekhanei atke ache. Dhucchai, ar vallage na. Dekhi, ebar ekta goppo type-er kicchu likhte habe. :D

Crappy post

This is a crappy post! Guys, take it for spare and don't read it.

Dunno why, I am suddenly feeling a bit changed. Seems like the old me, is coming back to me. Come baby, come to your daddy [no sitters please]. I can see myself alone in the campus, one chilly morning, with wind gushing past me. Nor a breeze neither a storm. One sunny morning, with none in the campus, I can see myself standing alone in the middle of the road, with arms stretched wide [Leonardo De caprio's pose in Titanic], and with my head pushed backwards. I can suddenly see myself enjoying the nature once again. Feeling closer to it. Trees don't wear a mask. Then suddenly this song, that has made me crazy recently, starts playing. Sitting in front of this dumbo box, I can clearly hear the melody. First strum, second strum, third strum and it starts "hey.....". I can see myself grooving my waist, making some feet movements, then suddenly I start dancing. You know, I am not a professional one. Some blurred faces passed by,mumbling " whats wrong with him?" Even I don't know. All I can say, is that I can't resist myself. I can see myself jumping over the walls. I can suddenly see a tint of yellow in the sun.

Proposals

When someone talks about "proposal"s, the first scenarios that flash in my mind, is of an uncomfortable awkward situation, where you are not too sure about what to do, how to do and what to tell. I think its a situation, where one becomes concerned about every little movement of his limbs, every faintest expression of his face and every little reaction of the other person. When I was in the school, I used to make an excellent middleman [wingman to be exact]. Not that, I have made a thousand of relations, but still, I have witnessed quite a few.

Okay! so one day P told me that he has a huge crush on Purmita. Now me and Purmita were not the bestest [intentional] of friends. More so considering the fact that she was one year senior than me. So he told me to make a bit of friendship with Purmita and ask her on behalf of me. I objected strongly. My point was that I'll introduce him to her, but willn't propose on behalf of him. Poor P, he had to agree to all my suggestions. So, it was fixed. I made a "hi-hello" relationship with Purmita.

Next scene:

venue: Madhusudan mancha

occasion: the annual function of the school

characters: me, Purmita and P

the conversation went as I'm jotting down

me: hey there! you wandering here?? why not in the hall??

Pu: ummmm... u kno! actually,I don like those classical thingies that much. M feelin bored inside

me: n wt abt ur friends? [I uttered quite a few of names]

Pu: well! they seem to be enjoying the function, din want to disturb them.

me: then y don u join us? okay! I think u've seen him. He's Pralay, ma classmate and one of the bestest friends and the football champ. Aint it Pralay?

P: Ummmm!!

Pu: Hi! yes! I've seen him quite a few times in the school, have seen him playing football too. He does play well!

P:* " poran jaye joliya" type smile*

me: actually Purmita, P has something to tell to u. I think its hightime. So, P speak it out.

Pu: [smiling] what?

P: ummmmm!

me: *tapping toes*

P: am am amaaamama

P: hehehehehehehehehe

me: [here he goes *sigh*]

P: umma umma umma

P: *huge sigh* okay! the thing is ummmm!!

Pu: I'm waiting

P: ummmm!! do you kno x???

Pu: yes! shez ma friend.

THEN SILENCE REIGNED. A FEW MINUTES LATER PURMITA WENT AWAY. P EXCHANGED A HELPLESS SMILE WITH ME.

M's in love with Priyanka. Quite a big news. M was the good boy of our batch. And Priyanka was an Iran-born hottie. So, one day I was astonished to see quite a gathering around M. "So what's the matter?"- I asked. Someone said, "M has "pro"-d Priyanka."

"Now, what on earth does "pro"-ing mean?"

"he told aila!!!"

"what????"

" yes! he meant to say "I lo" but it sounded like aila"

" wtf???"

" may be someday around, he'll say "bhou"[ve you]"

" so, he's proposing her in installments?"

" you got it"

- so, that's the first time, I got introduced to the word "pro" ing. Enriched my vocabulary indeed.

One day, X told me that Sonya's gonna call me and all I had to say that, " X's got run over by a taxi, please please do inform his family"

okay so that day Sonya called me.

me: hello!

sonya: sonya here, X asked me to call you.

me: yes! sonya, could you please do me a favor?? X's got......

s: WHAT?

me: yes its true.

s:WHEN?

me: about one and half hours back. Please do this for him. He's admitted in.... cz he was sayin ur name. U r the only person in Earth on whom he relies.

s: ONLY 30 MINS BACK, I SAW X WITH ANOTHER GIRL.

me: hello, hello!! sonya sonya!! I can't hear you. *click* [*motherfucker X*]

How can I ever forget me proposing R. It was the HS result out day. I already knew that I've secured a respectable rank in jee, so I was a bit reluctant. I thought it to be the best day to propose R. So, I asked her to spare me a minute.

me: R, could you please spare me a minute?

R: ummm!! okay

me: R u kno?

me: R u kno?

me: R u kno?

me: R u kno?

R: what?

me: arre baba! bujhtei to parchis! :x

R: ha bujhte parchi but amar vison nervous lagche.

[well! I expected either an acceptance or a denial, but this kinda reply was out of my thinking. That relationship never turned out to be. :)]

I personally think that proposals should be spontaneous. I mean to say that, there should be some stammering, mumbling, hesitance associated with proposals. Frankly speaking, even now, when a I catch a glimpse of my last crush, my heart misses a bit. But then a smile appears on my face [but thats for different reason and is out of topic], I personally think that "true" proposals can never be smart and straightforward. Because that indicates either immense mental strength of the person or that the person isn't that concerned about the outcome. Its something like the proposal round in the ragging period, It dint take any effort to say, "didiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, ami tomaye valobasiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii", but come in actual case, even the toughest of the guys stumbles. Its my personal opinion.

Right now, I am feeling like I should write something. But the ideas aren't simply coming in my head. Not a strange thing to me. Such things do happen with me. People laugh and say "You've a great sense of humor", when I try to talk normally, I mean about serious topics. And when I try to crack a joke, they simply give me a vacant look. People say I am a practical joke-er [not joker :x], means I dig up elements of laughter from everyday events. I'll like to narrate one experience. One idle Saturday, me and some of my friends were at the "gachtola" and gazing idly at the field. Now, our college practically becomes a "Nalban" or " Modern Brindavan" during Saturday afternoons, with people from everywhere taking it as an extension of "Dhakuria lake" and doing stuffs that encourage us to shoot films and make money in the pornography industry. [and the guards ask us for ID cards, irony!!! :(]. However, that day, a child was playing cricket with an elder guy. So, one of us spoke out, " these days, the fathers have to do so much of things for their children. I can't even think of my father doing the same thing for me." I said, " or maybe he's their driver, you know in rich families, they send their drivers to play with the children." and the people with me started laughing insanely. It took me a few seconds to realize the reason behind their laughter. "Really, you have a great sense of humor",someone said. I wanted to say, " I didn't want to make such dirty meanings , moron!!" but I decided to stay quite. "When you are in Rome, you should act like Romans" :P

Sometimes, people just refuses to understand. It becomes very difficult to put up with them then. I am narrating another incident. One day, when I was a kid, I went to market with my mom! As we walked, we came in front of an ice cream parlor. I pulled my mom's hand to draw her attention. But no use. Now, I was very stubborn, I decided not to give up and started pulling mom's hand even more forcefully. At last, my efforts came fruitful and mom asked, " Babai tui ki kicchu khabi?" I pointed my finger towards the parlor. My mom replied in an even sweeter voice, " Babai, tumi mar khabe??" I chose to remain silent. Strange mankind. :(

My pops has an awkward habit of accusing me to be responsible for everything that is lost. Okay! its justified when suddenly some cigarettes or a 100 rupee note goes missing. But yesterday, pops summoned me. That day, I returned home at about 10:30 pm, so I was prepared for it. I was determined not to say anything and remain silent. Pops said, " tumi jano tomar jonye amader ki abosthya hoyecche? you are responsible for everything! amar blood pressure rise, tomar mayer blood pressure fall." I remained silent. Pops continued, "Eta kore tumi ki moja pao? tumi ki chao? " etc etc. At last I said some words, " actually Sanskritir ekta meeti....". " Rakho tomar meeting, tumi amar moja [socks] churi korecho kano? tumi jano ami sob kicchu guchiye rakhi. Amar confidence-e crack toiri kore tomar ki lav? tomar ki moja nei??....". I chose to remain silent with only one question wandering into my head, "WHAT THE FUCK???!!!"

People think me to be a very serious table tennis player. Because while playing, I hardly keep my eyes off the ball, and look at the opponent. Sometimes, girls also play tt with us. But I hardly look at them. It all started with one day, I was playing with one of my seniors. He was in tremendous form then, and was making every fucking shots in the earth, land. But I felt something uncanny about his body movement. The same day, I returned home, and tuned into youtube for some salsa lesson. And guess what!! I was alreday acquainted with those moves.From then,I never look at the opponent. I am very bad at concealing laughter.

One day, a girl called me.

" hello! is this Shubham"

" which number are you asking for?"

"xxxxx-xxxxx"

" seems to be correct, but none called Shubham lives here, and I don't know of any Shubham.So, you better check the number"

" shut up and give the phone to Shubham"

" Ma'am you are suffering from some misunderstandings. It seems that you have dialled an incorrect number."

" please Ranjan give it to Shubham."

[who's Ranjan? :O]

"Ma'am"

" you mo-fu. Give it to Shubham. I always knew that you are jealous of us."

[the last words were followed by " o tunir ma tomar tuni kotha sone naaaaaaaaaaaa" from the back ground]

I wondered, Am I Ranjan? May be its hightime to be Ranjan. After all, from the description, it seems that this Ranjan is an unfortunate good guy. And who doesn't like to play the role of an unfortunate good guy.

" Okay Shreya! I lose, was just joking,Ranjan's in the bathroom. Call 5 min later"

" okay but who's Shreya?"

I pressed the red key.

5 mins later the phone rang again. I picked up the phone, and said " This number does not exist please check the number. Yeh number maojud nahin hain kripaya jach le. Ei number-er ostityo nei onugroho kore.... ". Too bad I forgot that this automated message comes in a female voice.:(

One day I went out with a girl, and suddenly a call came to her phone.

girl : " hnnnnnalllllllooooooooo??" [if she's watching this, then this single word will make her realise, who the girl is!! ]

otherside:.......

girl: mane? ami to kono ad deini [in a nasal tone]

otherside:.....

na amar baba-mao deini. apni amar phn no pelen ki kore?

.....

na ami bolchi to ami kono ad deini.

.....

arre apni vul korchen. Ota amar description noye. Apnar valo lagle ki korte pari ami??

.....

girl: cuts the phone.

me: whats the matter

girl: bartamaner patropatri column-e ad dekhe phn eseche. Ami naki amar jonye ad diyechi [all in a nasal tone]

I suddenly felt a burst of laughter. However, that day, I somehow managed to conceal that. However, may be someday she'll hafta place an ad truly, may be not. Who cares???

There's a strange thing about my everyday life, whenever I try to buy fags from a particular shop, the owner exchanges a very unfriendly look with me. So one day I said to him, " Englishra kintu ebar France attack korbe". The very next day he exchanged the same look and I said the same words. And it continued. Recently I have stopped saying those words, because I felt that the offensive look with which I was accustomed has been converted into a look of terror. May be someday, he's going to call the mental asylums.

Buhbye 2009

With days gradually passing by, 2009 is slowly coming to an end. Like everybody, this year [or I should rather say, the events that occurred this year] taught me some important aspects of life, and I'll try to jot the things down here. Its something like a bottom line chart, but it does have some difference. So, here it goes.

1. This year taught me that its not only blue and/or black that makes the world, its the melange of all the colors that makes this world such a happy place to live. While some may differ from me, but I'll stick to my point. So, its not only night. Its the combination of day and night, their complementary nature that makes the total span. Its not only metal.But also the other genres like rock,jazz,blues,punk, grunge, hip hop and even classical that brings totality to music. Previously, I used to hate colors like orange and yellow. Not that I've suddenly started loving those colors, but still... I don't hate them anymore. :)

2. I've learnt that going for the ideal option is not always the best thing to do. The best and the happiest persons in this world make out the best of the things that comes along their way [sentence courtesy: Abhishek :)]. The adaptability/maturity of the concerned person lies in making the non-ideal ones into ideal ones. Basically non-ideality/ideality lies in the point of view of the observer[like, beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder]. So, nothing is non-ideal and nothing is ideal.

3. Solitude is bliss.It gives a person much more time to spend with himself, talking with himself, exploring himself. It's damn necessary, because at the end of the day, most of us doesn't spend more than half an hour standing in front of the mirror. One needs to understand himself because unless I think he/she can't understand others.

4. I still love my family above all. But my love isn't blind. I realized that while I can rebel, but in times, I can also provide a shoulder to my parents.

5. I experienced loneliness probably for the first time in my life. and I realized that its not all bad. It provides one the opportunity to stand at the top, and take a close look at people without their consent. I provides one with the opportunity to shake off the veil that keeps hanging in front of his eyes and prohibits him from seeing the true color of the people around.

6. [point deleted]

7. People are basically of two types. Either they are builders, or destroyers. And it takes ages to build something while only seconds to destroy it. Irony lies in the fact that while a particular person may turn out to be of " builder" type to someone, he/she may well be the "destroyer" to the other.

8. Tears are extremely precious gems. And should not be wasted.

9. I can't get a supple.

10.People say -one should conceal his weakness from this world. If he does not do so, the world starts attacking him at this weak point. Now, here comes a funny thing. I think one should show his weakness to this world. The world will start to attack him. But he should be aware of the extent to which he exposes himself. So that, these perpetual attacks makes him numb [and aloof to some extent], it helps to endure fast.

11. Finally, I am the the best the way I am. None can change me from the core.

12. May be I should shave more frequently. :(

13. The KFC Zinger Burger tastes great. But sometimes, even the biscuit from roadside tea-stall tastes better.

14. There's a huge difference between saying something and doing something.

15. The "Moesby effect" sucks. :x

Yes! I saw you right? I saw you there. Sitting right beside the road, with a steel can in front of you right? and what were you doing there dude? Doing nothing. Not even begging. Your whole body reflected clear cut signs of malnutrition. Swollen belly, cracked skin, tangled hair. You were barely wearing anything as far as I can remember. Okay! may be the winter doesn't seem to bother you that much. So, I am getting deviated from the topic. No, no... lets switch back to it. You were hungry if I'm not wrong, and so you asked for food, or rather you asked for some coins to buy food! People were passing by the road, hardly noticing your existence but I noticed you. They didn't even bother to do anything for you. How mean people have become these days. "Equidistribution of wealth"- I demand. Some people were throwing some coins in your can, how dare they? Aren't they intelligent enough to realize that they are humiliating you this way? But you don't worry. "Main hoon na?" Your days of poverty are over now.This much I can assure you.

Do you know what I am going to do for you? Yes! you got it right. I'm gonna write an entire post on you. An entire blog, can you imagine? Moreover I am gonna put your picture in my blog, may be on photobucket. May be over the entire net. And this way people will come to know about you, and then you know what they'll say to me? They will say," ah uh!! we're shocked to see blah blah blah." An entire community will feel sympathetic towards you. Can you just imagine? SYYYYYYMMMMMPPPPATTTTYYYYY...it tastes better than bread, we'll feed you sympathy, and you won't have to beg anymore. Sympathy bread with a bit of "omg, awwww, oh,uh" sauce.... ummmmmmmmm! delicious.

Too bad this net thingie doesn't even help to set a human body ablaze. Perhaps that's why paper is better. You can use papers,instead of woodpiles in a funeral. You see, better utilisation of resources. x)

Misheard lyrics

There are some very interesting things about misheard lyrics.First of all, you never know when you create a whole new song. Yes! the music does resemble that of the original one, but still sometimes the lyrics can totally change the mood associated with a song. For example, when I heard "Late goodbye" by Poets of The Fall for the first time [It was included in the game Max Payne, and after I finished the game, I somehow liked the song], now at that age, I was not aware of the fact that the lyrics of songs are available over the internet, and neither had I an access to the net. So, I had to guess the lyrics. Okay! It was full of minor and major grammatical mistakes, and after I became familiar with the original lyrics, I forgot the misheard one, but still I can remember that it completely changed the mood of the song, turning it from a gloomy song to a much jollier one. As far as I can remember that the misheard one started with a line something like " It's a sunny day" or something like that.

Another good thing is, if you are confused of your state of mind, I mean to say how actually are you feeling, then the misheard ones sometimes help you to know yourself.When I heard "Fade to Black" for the first time, I reckon I heard Jamie Hetfield saying, "You pissed me off, now I'll just say goodbye." I liked that attitude. Now when I think about the reason behind me hearing so, I reckon I was really in a rebel mood then. xD. A few days back, I saw a video of a misheard lyrics of "Immigrant song" by Led Zepp. It was saying "Fight the whore" instead of "Fight the horde." So, you decide how was the guy actually feeling while hearing the song. :P

This problem [??] doesn't arise when you are listening to a music instead of a song.But even there is an awkward problem. I dunno whether it occurs with everybody out there or its only me, but I tend to associate a particular mood with a particular music. "Comfortably numb pulse- guitar solo" has always been a pull up music for me. I remember, when I first suggested the music to one of my friends, he said, " Its good". I was so shocked by his expression that the following words came out of my mouth spontaneously, " What?? its heavenly.Are you deaf moron?". Now, I realise that, I was wrong, Because musics carry different meanings to different listeners. So what appeared to be a heavenly pull up music to me, may not appear to be the same to another one.

But, one positive point of associating different moods with different musics is that I can listen to that particular music which I need at a particular moment. For example, whenever I listen to "Nottingham Lace" by Buckethead, it tells me that sorrow is always followed by joy,whereas " Night of slunk" by the same, has always been a party music for me.xD

Recently, I am being told by some of my friends that my recent posts have been all pessimistic. Perhaps this is because I don't own a diary, and don't like keeping diaries either.Perhaps I am a bit too lazy to jot everything down that happens in my daily life.Perhaps I feel much more convenient while typing than while writing. Whatever be the reason, my blog is a reflection of what's going on inside me. I mean to say that my blog is like a guitar. When one feels happy, happy tunes come off it, while if the player feels gloomy, some melancholy tunes are bound to come out of his guitar. So is the case with my blog. So, if you feel that it reflects that I'm frustrated, then I'm frustrated. I can't help that. I just can't write something that doesn't go with my mood. So, if you are feeling it monotonic then I'm helpless. All I can do is to recommend you not to read it. If you don't like it then don't read it. It's that simple. Please don't ask me to change my style or else you'll get humiliated in the same way as some people are getting recently.

The Gift

Today, my sis flew off for Scotland. I dunno why, yesterday I was pissed off with her and was retaliating to almost every single word she uttered. Like she was having a problem with installing the mic and asked me for some help. I instantly snapped back instead of helping her. Just before going to bed she asked me for a book I was reading then. She said, " Vai! majhkhane to bore hobo. Boita dibi?"[bro, I will get bored.Will you please give me the book?] I said, " Amar ekhono pora hoini, tumi onyo kono boi niye jao na." [I haven't finished it as yet. You take another one]. She smiled and said, " thik acche."

I dunno what dream I had in the night. But this morning I suddenly felt an uncanny hollow inside my stomach. So I went to her and offered her the book. [okay! for others it may seem quite natural, but the incident is a bit abnormal because one of the persons involved was me].

I dunno what made me do that. But the name of the book was "The Gift"

MISSING YOU DIDI.

Yesterday,I was listening to some random songs in Youtube while I came across this video. It tells about the sad ending of a happy family. I will try to narrate the story in my own words [because I too was moved :)]. So here it goes.

Young Jenny was promoted to the high school. Her parents,besides other usual words also warned her about the certain things she should not do because she was still young. However, as days passed by, Jenny gradually became familiar with the environment and started enjoying it to some extent. She also got a boyfriend, Dan,the school rugby team captain.So once Dan asked Jenny for a moonlight date. Jenny knew that her parents will never allow her in a moonlight date. Perhaps,her mom will say, " No dear!! you're still too young for such a date." Perhaps, dad will lock her in a room. So she decided to lie to her parents. On the date, Jenny told her parents that she is going to a friend's house for a night stay. But perhaps her parents sensed something but still they allowed her.

It was an evening worth a lifetime for Jenny. Dan and she enjoyed every moment of it. Then as they became tired of dancing, they decided to take a bit of rest in the car. Dan lighted a cigarette that smelt a bit different to Jenny. But still she never suspected Dan, and he himself is smoking that stuff. So she took one or two fags too. Then as Dan finished the joint [marijuana,if you still haven't figured it out], he told Jenny that let's try something different. Jenny was young but not that young not to understand the underlying meaning. So she denied strictly and insisted to go back to home.

Reading this far, one may conclude that its yet another date rape story.I too thought so. But it has a different ending.

Well, Dan was not that reckless, and he agreed to drop Jenny back at her place. But as he went on driving, marijuana started telling upon his braincells and he started pressing the accelerator for longer and longer intervals. Jenny shouted, " Please slow down, I wanna go back home." But there was none there to listen to her. Then the only thing Jenny could remember that a flash of light appeared in front of her eyes and a few people were shouting "call the ambulance."

When Jenny open her eyelids she was in a hospital. The nurse informed her that Dan's okay and she too will get discharged within one or two days. But it was not so fortunate for the people who were in the other car and both of them died. Jenny thanked to God and promised that she will never ever lie to her parents again.Then she prayed to God for those who were dead in the accident and asked the nurse if her parents came there to meet her.
The nurse said nothing and silently went out of the room.

A man standing nearby noticed all these and asked the nurse for such a behavior. The nurse replied with a sad face, " The two people in the other car were Jenny's parents"

A "story"

Once a boy had a break up. Just before you [read Siddhartha] conclude(s) that its yet another "what have I done?" type of blog from my side, let me assure that its not.

Okay, once a boy had a break up. Its not that kind of break up, you know, not those kind of break ups which get patched. Rather this one can really be looked upon as a split. However its not the topic. The boy I was talking about spent many sleepless nights in thought of the girl. But still he's not the hero of this story, [well obviously, if one calls it a story], shed many drops of tear, and did everything that people usually do while they undergo such a situation.

However, everything has an end, and finally the boy decided to move on. Later on he found that another girl has a great deal of interest in him. The boy first waved it but then he also developed some kind of soft corner for the girl.

Then one day, he thought that, " I must let her know that I may never be able to love her that much she wants.I must warn her about it."

So one day he walked to the girl. As usual the girl greeted him with a smile. But the boy thought that, nothing should stop me today. He stared direct at the eyes of the girl and told," Look! I thought I must inform you about this, look at me, once a monument used to stand here but now there's nothing but a ruin.A ruin you understand? a ruin.And its up to you what to be built there. A monument again or ...."

The girl remained silent for a long while. The boy was gradually becoming impatient. Then suddenly the silence broke and the girl said, " I will rather build a hut for two than a monument."

the "story" ends.

AB and me

It was almost 10 years back. One chilly morning, two kids were standing by the school gate. One of them had a pair of sparkling eyes, whoever saw his eyes, fell into love with him.I'll call him AB. And the other one was the best friend of AB. I will call him SC.Well! AB was one hell of a mischievous kid, always engaged in some kind of activity or other. Be that stealing the shells collected by the other students and throwing them into the nearby pond or intentionally making a fault in the "Bratachari" to put the blame on the student standing next to him, or ride on the back of the School guard's goat, or run away from the school only to watch "Patua"s on job. One great thing about AB was that his mischiefs never got caught. Not a single person could have thought that AB did this, or its AB who's behind all these things. However, I am not here to glorify AB. So lets get back to the school gate.

Both of them were in the final year of their primary school.SC was tensed about the upcoming exam, but that didn't seem to bother AB. His mind was elsewhere. Suddenly AB heard some words. It was like SC saying something like " this stuffs there in this book" and a mischief played into AB's mind. " You betcha! I'm pretty sure that its not there."

" No, you are not right! I have seen it only the last day"
" I've read the whole book, and I'm pretty confident that its not there"
" No its there"
" no its not"
" yes! its there"
" no its not, if you have the guts then show me"
" I can show you but right now its not with me"
" if you can't show me then you lose"
" but I don't have it with me right now, Okay! wait for a second, I can show it tomorrow"
" No, you'll have to show it to me TODAY, unless I'll assume that you don't have the balls"
" okay, I'll show you that this afternoon."

now the fact was that SC's place was far away from AB's, at least for a 10 year old boy. And it was really a hard task for him to get himself to AB's place that afternoon, and show AB.But still SC somehow managed to do that. That day, on 6 o'clock, the doorbell rang at AB's place. AB knew whom it was and so he opened the door.

SC- " look you moron....."
" hey sorry!! I just remembered that I too have seen that thing in that book"
" what????!! but then you should have given me a call."

AB smirked.

" you, you, I wont talk to you again."
" hey come on! at least you won."
" but you knew all these, na?? right from the beginning you knew that the stuff was in the book, and you intentionally raged me up! you just knew that I'll do all these.Do you know that I even haven't had my lunch, I headed to my home only to fetch the book and came directly here"

" oh I'm so sorry, come on! lets have lunch together"

as far as I can remember, that was the first time AB did this. And after that, he has done the same thing with many a people, only the victims have changed.A few months back, I met AB, and I asked him why he does this.He said, he gains an unearthly pleasure by guessing people's psychology. The loves to see things go by as he set them up to be. Its not that, he plays games but he loves to make people realise that how monotonic they are, how predictable they are, by setting up traps for them. Its not that he plays dirty games with them, his games are rather innocent but still they are games. He said," once xyz comes in vicinity, I can guess what his first words will be, I know that on which topic he's gonna talk with me."
he said, " if I am walking with someone with our hands in hand, and if when we're in front a kfc outlet and I feel her hands to loosen, I can instantly guess that she's feeling hungry, now the other person doesn't know that, and she thinks it to be some kind of magic, but this pure experience, the only difference between me and other people is that they just watch people while I study them, its my pass time hobby." The conversation ended.

I met AB yet again yesterday, he was looking a bit gloomy, as if he was deeply thinking something. I asked AB about that. He replied, " I played that game yet again." I said, " So whats so big about that, you already know that whats gonna happen."
" yes! I know that... but that's why.... forget it"
I was rather in an inquisitive mood that day. So I told,
" no... please tell me... you look really upset, what's wrong about it this time, is the game not working properly?"

" no.its perfectly okay. Everythings going on just the way I thought it to be"
" then?"
" then... nothing but still a hitch...a hitch"
" what hitch?"
" still a hitch... I haven't figured it out yet"
" sounds interesting and you are lying"
" yeah! how come you know?"
" guessing people"
" oh okay... the thing is that everything going on as I expected but..."
" okay dont elongate it further... my readers will get bored"
" but THE THING IS I DIDN'T WANT THESE ALL TO HAPPEN"
" what??? then why the heck did you pressed the trigger?"
" I don't know, I felt static, I pressed it but believe me after pressing it I have not done a single thing about it"
" then who?"
"I don't know,I think someone else is playing this game for me."
" you are sounding spooky but why aren't you interested in playing the game?"
" look! there are two possibilities, 1) everything goes all right, 2) a certain person will get shattered"

" ..."
" and I really don't want that person to withstand anymore pain"
" you bastard! then why aren't you ending it?"
" its out of my hand now"

Then I heard the whole story and assured AB that he could have done nothing else. And that, its people who choose their destiny, others can only show the way but its up to oneself to follow that way or not. And that, he has done nothing this time, his only fault was to be present in the scenario and its only his presence that catalysed the whole thing.The way the thing was going it was bound to happen, he only catalysed it, nothing else. And then he also warned the person concerned numerous times, but no use. So, it can't be his fault.HE DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.I also told AB that, everything will go all right but still he didn't seem to hear a single word uttered by me.

Save me someone.. :( its only yesterday that the semester ended, and I'm already feeling bored. Bored like hell :(. Studies are boring and irritating, but once they are over, they leave behind a hollow. I was just calculating the amount of time I spent studying last few days [last 14 days to be exact], and it came out to be a ass whooping 14-15 hours a day.

I am in 3rd year now. In undergraduate level obviously. And I am currently reading in the 2nd best [after iitkgp obv] engineering college in the state. And quite frankly, I can tell you that, we finish the course within 30 days span just before the exam. Yes, then we have to handle an immense amount of pressure but still we do manage to accomplish that. I sometimes wonder that I studied a lot more even when I was in the school level.

Normality vs Abnormality

Well! Lets start this topic this way,what is normality and what's abnormal? According to me, normality is that what most of the people do. Be that a "positive" thing or a "negative" thing. What I am trying to say is, anything that most of the people do,may be looked upon as a normal thing. For example, most of the people in urban areas, go to bed by 12:00. So it may be looked upon as the "normal" time to go to bed. A particular sample [read: I] goes to bed no earlier than 3:00 am. So that's deviation from normality and can be said to be abnormal. Take another example: A teen age boy is expected to gawk at gorgeous girls, in fact most of the people [here I belong to the normal group] do so. So it may be regarded to be perfectly normal. While some guys may abstain themselves from doing so, although to some, this may be a positive attribute of character but frankly speaking, its abnormal. Once again because of the fact that he lies beyond the (+/-) [mean + 3*standard deviation] range of the normal curve. Although it sounds awkward but anything that doesn't belong to that range can be regarded as abnormal and can not be taken as the base of comparison. For example: If someone compares one's sleeping habits with mine, he/she isn't doing the right thing because I do not belong to the normal group [for that category] and thus should not be chosen as the basis of comparison. I think, I made it clear that what "normality" actually is.

Now the question arises that whats abnormality then? According to me: Anything that shows even the slightest trend of deviation from normality, can be regarded as abnormal.Like my sleeping habit. So, I may be looked upon as an abnormal human being on that aspect.

Now the million dollar question. Which one is better? being normal or being abnormal? I think the answer should be being normal.I am saying this because of the fact that most "abnormal" people gain an " abnormal" pleasure by thinking themselves to be unique. I am really sad to say that, this particular normal distribution is based on a sample space of the total population of the planet earth. So lying beyond that particular range doesn't ensure uniqueness. Yes! one can say that the ratio is small but the total number of such people isn't that small. So if this "abnormality" isn't helping you to be unique, then why this deviation from normality?


What to do when you come in contact with an abnormal human being?

1. Judge the level of abnormality
2. Decide whether the type of abnormality can harm you or not.
3. Take some time and think again.
4. Take decision according as the outcome of step 2

And if you can't decide, my suggestion is to avoid them. We live in a normal world. :)

Measurement blues

Hmmm!! What to say!! Wrote one of the worst papers of my lifetime today. Actually the preparation was not that bad but still. You know sometimes it just doesn't remain in our hands. Faced one of the worst papers today. Illogical marks distribution, idiotic question pattern, unimportant questions, HELL!! The first time I saw the paper, I felt an uncanny vacuum inside my head after a long long time. The last time I felt this sensation was about 5 years back. Then I opted for the more difficult part [we in JU, have two different parts assigned for each subject, they must be answered on separate answer scripts]. Not a single answer was completely correct. And then to add insult, the paper was lengthy as hell. :(.

I'm really done with it. The way this semester system drains the last bits of energy from us is simply pathetic. Enormous syllabus, stupid lectures....phewwwwwww. And then JU electrical engineering department, a nightmare for anyone who doesn't rely on plain and simple " mug"ging. The next exams on 26th. :(

Semester starts

Okay! semester started today and as was expected, it started with a disaster. I woke up in the morning at about 8:30 but I was feeling very comfortable being covered by the quilt, so it took about an hour for me to leave the bed. And then, the misery started. I realized that I have lost my registration certificate, the identity card being lost long back, there was no evidence for my identity. So I started panicking. Although, finally it didn't hurt me as my fee book was with me and for Shibajisir it was enough for proving my studentship. However, any other professor would have expelled me from the hall for this.

The machines question was of no surprise as the "duo" decided not to disappoint us by setting an easier paper this time. And the exam got screwed, but it was expected.

After I came out from the hall, and headed to the union room, I found Ritoda there. The old chap has grown some tummies. But it was really a much nicer experience to find old familiar respected faces, than it sounds.

Mom was very tensed because for the certificate, and wanted me to come back home early. But I told her that the trains are overcrowded and so I am heading for the auto, and hence it will take some time. I lied to her. Actually it was not for the crowded train. I wanted to be in the " route no. 6 " yet again. Route no. 6, the very old route from my home to Jadavpur, The school bus used to follow this route. Many golden memories are associated with this route. After the completion of school life, we all got split, with some even opting for different states. Whenever I follow this route, memories of those lost friendships crowd in my mind. A sense of bittersweet feeling surrounds me. Route no. 6 has changed a lot with recently built skylines, supermarkets, housing complexes, gas stations ans all,but its essence of it still remains the same to me.

God and backhand smashes

I am not a great believer in God. But I do believe that there is someone.Someone who looks after you, someone who listens to you when all ears around you turn deaf, someone who understands you even when everybody gets you wrong, someone who always assures you with his omnipresence. God to me have never been a mere deity, someone who should be worshiped, rather I always took him as a friend, the relationship with whom has undergone high and low states,just like the rest of my friends.

I can still remember that day.An usual day it was,with me and my friends enjoying a after college booze session on the ju field. Suddenly, the figure of a particular personnel appeared. Now it's an well known fact, that I feel uncomfortable when I sense that particular personnel around. The reason is known to everyone. However, that day, he was with yet another girl.Suddenly, a sense of hatred against God was generated in my mind.I pulled up my hand and mimicked as if I'm shooting someone in the sky, silently I told to God," Have you been a human, I would certainly have killed you today."

After a day or two, an sms hit my inbox saying something like," we had a break up" etc. I wasn't happy at all but still I told to God, " at last, you listened to me." But perhaps he was smiling then. Perhaps he was saying that, " Let things happen according to your wish, and let's see what happens." In a previous post, I mentioned that life provides a MCQ questionnaire for us and its outcomes are according to the options we select. However, I was talking about one particular incident. What happened next was completely out of my experience, there was a huge difference between what I thought and what actually turned out to be. Everyday, I repented for challenging God that day, and perhaps he was smiling, perhaps he was sad for me too and shed some teardrops in the form of raindrops, but still he sticked to his ego. And at the end of it, something happened that was completely beyond my imagination, proving how wrong I was.

I have learnt a lesson from the whole experience, that you must not challenge the God.What we feel to be a curse, may actually be a veiled boon. In fact they are. He never curses anyone. Let things go by as they are going, at most try to change them a bit, try harder. But if its still not responding then move on. Never challenge God.

At the end of this post, I will like to say sorry to a certain human being. Because I must say that I have never been able to become the "only" friend she wished, rather I always had a crush on her.I am sorry for being unable to become an " only" friend. But for the rest, I don't have even a morsel of repentance in my mind because I know whatever I did was the right thing to do. Be that deleting her from the orkut friendlist, removing testimonials written by her, doubting her sense of self esteem, rebuking or humiliating her or whatever.

Perhaps Backhand smashes have something to do with a mend heart. :D. Today, I can't say that I have recovered wholly, but still I reckon I have understood the whole thing, and I can sense myself recovering.Strangely, during these period, none of my backhand smashes were going right, but today I had two of them bang on spot and zoom past the opponent. :D

Orkut or Facebook?

For me, the best thing about Facebook is [in comparison with Orkut] that you don't really care whether people are online and interacting with you. In Orkut, suppose you had a very long onversation with one of your friends and the very next day, when you start chatting with him/her, it may turn out that he/she isn't interested to chat with you at that time. Besides, there is this universal problem of not having pals online [unless obviously you personally make a call or an sms, and ask him to come online, but then you can carry on the conversation through your mobile, why should you switch to orkut?]. Under these circumstances, a net freak has very limited option because Orkut provides you with only a limited set of features. So people are compelled to visit random profiles or even forced to go through the old scraps [which isn't a pleasant experience always], but then, the fucking Orkut privacy setting has enabled most of the users to set their pictures, scrapbook,videos and even testimonials locked. So there you go, you have nothing to do, you even don't have the option to go beyond your known boundary. I don't mean that this thing is all bad, because certainly it stops people from stalking someone and that security issue is also true to some extent. But all these has made Orkut a pretty boring social networking site.

But then in Facebook, when you have nothing to do, you may indulge yourself in the quizzes, or play games like Mafia wars and Castle age, there are hundreds and thousands of applications ready to entertain you. And you don't really care about whether people are paying attention to you or not! However, these features have obviously made Facebook to get deviated slightly from the " model" social networking site, but I think, this deviation is on the positive side.

The main complaint, that I've faced while requesting my friends to start using Facebook instead of Orkut, is that its a little bit complicated. Well! complicacy comes with functionality. [scientific calculators are much more complicated than regular ones], had Facebook been only a " chat site", the interface would have been much simpler, but its not and one has to realise that you need to give some effort in order to achieve better results.

But the Facebook interface isn't that complicated. One of my friends told me that she finds it difficult to locate the appropiate links [like the links to profile information, pictures etc] in Facebook. But after 3-4 days, now she spends much more of her time in Facebook than in Orkut.

One serious limitation of Facebook, is the chat engine. Its much more complicated than the incorporated gtalk in orkut, and also it lacks functionality and fast response.

Orkut has realeased its new version and strangely enough it resembles the facebook interface to a great extent. Also, it is incorporating some of the "patent" facebook applications [although their no. is very limited as far as I reckon], which clearly tells that I am not the only user, who is pissed of Orkut. And already Orkut has started to evolve in order to match with the increasing popularity of Facebook.

LONG LIVE FACEBOOK

Junctions

Sometimes, we do get blinded and just refuse to see what's coming in front of us. I will clarify what am I trying to say later on but first, lets exemplify it.

When I appeared for the joint, my parents repeatedly advised me to pursue the medical line, but I was so determined to fetch engineering as my career that I never paid attention. It's not that, I am repenting now. But still, may be... who knows??...at least not electrical engineering!! duh!! :x

However, lets get back to the topic. There was one question in the mathematics paper that asked us to determine the maximum value of x^(1/x) or something like that. We, who appeared in the mock tests, experienced this question almost 10-12 times previously and we all knew that the answer was e^(1/e) or something like that. But strangely, the answer wasn't among the options.The nearest was something like (1/e)^e.I got confused and ticked it. However, I never turned the section where the question was set in Bengali. Later I came to know that, in the Bengali version, the correct answer was among the options. It was a printing mistake in the English section.

It is very much likely, that the board realized this mistake and provided us with grace marks so that it didn't cost us. But what I'm trying to say is that never get blinded. It may appear to you that, life has provided you with only a single option. But it's never the case. Life sets a MCQ questionnaire for us, and depending on our answers, our lives get molded. We face the consequences that are created by us. None other is responsible for that.

Always remember that; in any juncture of life, even if it appears to you that you have a single way in front of you, there's always at least another. That's why its called a juncture of life. The other road may be thorny, shadowy but its still there. Now, its upto you, which road will you choose.

Altered [??] bridge

It really feels nice to see bonds being created.It really feels nice to see cute lovestories. It still feels nice. The last time I can remember, I reckon I thought I will get shattered, but it really feels nice to see myself still standing. It really feels nice to laugh like a madman. It really feels nice to realize that luck is not fucking you.

Recently, I've become a huge fan of " Alterbridge". All hail to Mr. Souvik Bhattacharya for letting me know about this band. Now-a-days, I am listening 100 times daily to the song " come to life". The "bring me to life"s or " further away"s or " missing"s aren't attracting me that much now. However one line in that song goes something like :" remember life is long, but we've no time" or something like that.

Today I heard about a lovestory from one of my friends. It goes something like the boy and the girl didn't know each other previously.They met via some social networking site and then they started sharing each others balcony. From social networking to some chat engine, then sms-s, phone calls and finally dates and getting committed. I expected a sigh from myself, bit instead a smile appeared in my lips. Hell!! Even I don't know myself, how come I expect others to know about me? However, lets get back to the topic, the moment I sensed the smile, I felt gleeful. I felt that inspite of repeated blows, the world still hasn't been able to kill me. I haven't changed [thankfully]

"The promise is broken"

I want to strum it, I want to strum it hard, strum it harder, harder and harder, till my fingers start bleeding, I don't know how to play guitar, but still I want to strum it. I want to feel myself in front of a galore of crowd, standing on the pinnacle, and strumming the object hard,Creating mysteries with music. I want my eyes to be closed, and feel myself.
I want to run through green meadows, I want to throw paper balls and catch them, I want to swing from the Banyan trees. I want to play soccer with plastic balls, I want to sweat it out and get driven out of the class, I want to cheat, I want to kiss, I want to make mattresses, I want to gawk at the sexiest girl in the class, I want to appear in the boards again, I want the tension back, I want the pressure back, I want to appear for the joint again, I want to be selected in the fucking electrical engineering department again, I want the first year days back, I want to carry out orders,I want to get ragged, I want to dream about my school life crush again. I want to be myself again. I want to love again.

" THE PROMISE IS BROKEN "

Strange enough

Have you ever wondered, why always the good men die first, and the evil ones remain polluting the world? Why God always takes the good ones away from you keeping the faces near you,which you hardly want to see.

No hidden philosophy in the above statement, all I want to mean is straight and forward, why always the beloved ones has to be shifted far away from you.The term "beloved ones" does not necessarily mean one's girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse etc. It can be one of your family members or even be one of your friends,colleagues or seniors.

You seldom get the chance to see the face of the person you really want to see. Sometimes you never get a chance. Perhaps the have shifted far away from you, perhaps to some other state, to some other country, or even to some other continent. And the faces you hate to see, flash in front of you regularly.First you try to escape, but then, after some time, you get accustomed.

Perhaps, the God plays yet another game with us. It shouldn't be looked upon as a game because one again it is for the goodness sake of ourselves. The logic is simple, when you see the faces you love after a long while, you suddenly feel yourself to be the happiest person in the world, every bit of blue remaining inside you gets overshadowed by the strong tint of yellow. All these year long separations, is just for that moment. However the same is not the case with sorrow. Because if after a long interval, you see those faces, there are two possibilities.1) the greatest healer has helped you to heal, and it doesn't make an effect at all.
2) the wound hasn't healed yet, and it becomes infected yet again. So is there this continuous poke, it hurts, but then after some time it becomes a habit. And after some day, may be some years, suddenly you feel that its not hurting you anymore. God's really great.:)

Standing on the edge

No leaf clover. For those who don't know what actually is it, its yet another song by Metallica. Now the reason behind me mentioning the "not so famous" song is that I wanna make an excerpt.

"Then it comes to be that the soothing light at the end of your tunnel / Was just a freight train coming your way"

We,the metal heads, claim ourselves to be the dark creatures of the earth.We "die" for the colour black. But in the back of our mind, we want to get enlightened, a tint of white to make the colour at least gray, if not white. But here arises one question, one big question that is whether we are capable of sensing the source of the light. What I mean to say is that what appears to us as white may not be white actually. I am not talking about impurities,speckles of purple,blue and this and that mixed with white. I am talking about whether this light is just a silence before the storm,whether it is there only to rekindle the last traces of hope hidden in the creatures called human, and then kill it mercilessly to push the creature further into darkness.There's a basic difference between rays of the Sun and the thunderbolts. The first enlightens us throughout the day span whereas the later is momentary, it only dazzles our vision.

How to distinguish between the rays of sunlight and the headlight of a freight train coming your way? Its one big question for me. And so far what I've learnt is that one has to entirely depend on his fate for this.I may be wrong. In fact, I am about 90% sure that I'm incorrect.And how to get away from the train? how to avoid getting trampled by its cruel wheels? there's no way according to me. Once again I may be wrong and I want to be proved wrong.

Today I enjoyed "Bhoothnath" with my family. I was feeling gloomy. Although I believe that true happiness lies in making the faces around you happier, but still there was some hitch in my mind. Perhaps, I felt a little bit jealous of the wave of glee surrounding me. Whatever, much to my surprise I actually liked the film.I don't mean to say that the plot was awesome.But some scenes were really touchy. Like the one in which the little boy takes part in the "sraddha" of Kailasnath or the one in which Kailasnath achieved nirvana.I was moved by the emotion hidden in those scenes and suddenly felt that something warm is crawling down my cheeks. I was astonished to see that those were tears actually. This isn't the first time. When I asked one of my closest friend to suggest me some tragic movie, he advised me to watch "Requiem for a dream". That night I cried like I never did before. I do cry. Now that when I evaluate myself, sometimes I do get astonished. Like I still long for running across a lash green fields in a drizzle or I still long for turning at the sky only to see it overcast, pick up the wickets and run for home, I still long for searching shells in the field or listening to fairy tales. I still think tooth fairies and grandma fairy do exist. I still prefer cartoon network than any other channel. I still believe that when you love someone wholeheartedly and truly from inside, he/she will realise it someday and come back to you.
I think although I have grown up, the inner me is still a kid. He has become responsible, he has adapted himself with this world of adults but still he is a kid.

Someday back, one of my the then closest pals told me that she has grown up. She has abandoned all the thoughts that were in her head when she was young. She wanted to cut the last thread of friendship with me. I asked her the cause but no use. I didn't get a answer. Now I think she's quite right. She has grown up while I haven't.There will be a huge mentality gap. I think she didn't want to hurt me, didn't want to make me face the bare truth. That's why!

Sometimes I get confused. How to grow up. How to act like a man rather than a kid? Is there some kind of magic potion. I simply can't grow up. When I try to act like an adult, people laugh me off. Again almost half an year back someone said," you are impossible". I can't remember who exactly he/she is. But still, I think he/she was right. I am impossible.

PS:- If someone knows how to prepare/get that magic potion, please tell me. I want to grow up. :)

Some people can trust others, some people can't
Some people can love others, some people can't
Some people seek happiness while some let happiness seek them
Some people love sorrow while some people accept it as a part of life
Some people are frightened of losing while some take failure as a pillar of success
Some people havereally grown up, while some still have some element of childishness hidden in them.

Some people win and some lose.
but at the end of the day, who becomes the ultimate winner?

Once I was in heaven, it felt real nice to look down and see people,nature everything. That was when I had wings, two white wings. I used to fly then. My wings got broken long ago. Movies does not repeat themselves in real life. I am still flying on my broken wings, but it wont take long to fall down and to die. Self esteem is a quality that I lack, but now I think whatever of that thing was left inside me has got accumulated and declared rebellion against me. They have deleted every traces of her that was left in my life. Now I say to people that I'm happy, but deep inside I know I am not. None is. But probably my case is a little worse. However I've taken some resolutions:
1) I'll never feel for anyone again, no matter what happens.
2) I'll be selfish from now on, enough of gaining pleasure by seeing people happy.
3) I'll not try to guess people henceforth,
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I know, that the person concerned will never watch this, but still, I am thankful to you, for making me realise that I was childish, I was pathetic; whatever dude!! Au revoir!!

chapa pore gecche dhulote
sei lekhata
jharbo na dhulo ar
dhaka acche
thak dhaka

somoi giyeche egiye
songe amio
tao amar kache
ajo kothaye jno lukano acche
sei lekhata
porbo na ami ar
dhaka acche
thak dhaka

smritir arale
bismritir majhe
hoito ek ghonta
kokhono ba arek ghonta
tobuo acche amar kache
sei lekhata
dekhbo na ami ar
dhaka acche
thak dhaka

etogulo din periye
etogulo bochor periye
chule dhoreche pak
hargulo-o ar temon joralo noye
onek egiye giyechi ami
onek onek uchute
tobuo majhe majhe
ekla rate, chokh jala kore
dactar bole
chingrimachta khaben na
histamine rash hoye
ami to jani
ekhono amar kache lukano acche
sei lekhata
ajo agle rekhechi buker modhye
holud hoye jaoa kichu kagoz
jole jaoa du-ekta photo
ar kichu smriti
harate chai,kintu harate pari na
sei lekhata
thak na
dhaka acche
thak dhaka

Sei sokkaltheke fachatfachat kore brishti porei jacche.Amader abhaoa office-er guldar lokjon bolechen- sara bochorer komti na pushiye charbe na ei brishti. Ninmochap betar ekhon 24 inchi muscle,ochirei seta 30 inchi-te pouchanor 1ta chance ache bole sona jacche, aboshya amader guldar officer khaskhobor. Tai ki hobe ki hobe na bola shokto. Chardike swine flu-er dapot-er modhye lokjon dhopadhop jore porche, ar sei virus onyer modhye transmit korbar joghonyo chokranto cholche. Abosthya emon dariyeche je naki kathi diye hachleo loke sondeho sondeho chokhe takaye. Bojho thela. Eke erokom weather, tar opor chutir din. Dinta besh valoi katar kotha chilo ar katlo-o besh.Mane shamuk-er dinkal besh valoi kate.Tar opor abar cholche classtest-er humki, fatoa jari hoyecche hoye classtest noye pkc-er violin. Sabu kheye sobbar pet bhore gecche, tai daota ar marte parlo na keo. Ar ami bosebose elangfelang likhe jachi.Dhussala!!!

Vanga janlata onekdin dhorei jalacche. Beta! na haoate nore, na pore, kicchui na. Jemon jhule acche temon-i. Ajkal ar orkut-e bokbok korte temon valo lage na. Onek-i to holo. Onekdin, onekkicchu. Anirbandar caseta amar khetre ar repeat korbe na dhorei neoa jaye. Ajkal Baghajatin station elei kno jno hat-ta mathaye uthe ase,bokar moto jhulte jhulte train-e jete jete. Ki ar korben uni? Ja korar to onek kichui korlen. Kintu nit fol? lobodongka. Tao kno jani na, Jadavpurer shonimondirtar samne atke jai. Ek hate ekta 5oo ml-er coke pet ar arek hate 1ta jolonto special. Chaina, tao mukh theke beriye jaye," Vogoban, meyeta jno valo thake." Kamon ekta odvut hoye gelo na puro beparta? Majhe majhe vabi, amra koto kicchu chaina, tao amader ta korte hoye. Amra semestar dite chai na, tao amader dite hoye; amra porte chaina,tao amader porte hoye; kokhono kokhono sudhu 1tu ekla thakte iccha kore, kintu keu ta thakte dile to! Sei thik kori rojdin je," na, ebar-i sesh, ar vabbo na.Ebar onyodik dekhboi." Kintu sei abar porerdin je k sei. Tao ekhon ekta valo bepar hoyecche, sokkal sokkal ar sei vitkelemi rogta amake paye na. Kintu tao, tao ekhono ami vabi, vebei jai ar mon kharap kori, pechar moto mukh kore bose thaki. Hoito somoyer sathe sathe etao sukiye jabe. Theke jabe sudhu duto bokar goppo. Tarpor keo hoito konodin sei goppota pore dekhbe. Ar hasbe, mon khule,pran khule. Tao ami khusi hobo. At least, kauke to khusi korte perechi,nijer simanatar baire giye.

aj theke thik korlum... nijer matrivasatei blog korbo :D... inziri vasata valo bote, lokjoner communicate korteo subidha hoye, but beparta holo ei je, amar blogtato ar USA-er kono lokjon porche na, nehat khub besi hole amar-i bondhura, ba aro besi hole amar-i "so called bondhura". Ta tara highly bangla khub bhalo bujhte parbe, ar tachara inziri vasata jotoi valo hok, je vasate kotha boli, j vasata vabi sei vasa chara, onyo kono vasate likhle kamon ekta guilt feeling hoye, ba better say, thik tripti hoye na. Tai switching to my mother tongue barring the obvious cases like "the evolution of game engine series"- jodi ota ar at all continue korar enthuta pai. Jara pore bujhte parchen, tader-k dhonyobad. Ar jara parchen na, tader jonye amar kichu korar nei. Tara sojotne tader somoyer sodbyabohar onyo kono blog pore korun,etai ami chai. :)

sd-
Sriman Arnab Basu
;)

Bojho thela :D

ami kintu sedin-o voy paini
sedin-o harini
jedin koyekta kalo poshak pora lok
ratrer ondhokare
egiye esechilo amar dike
hate dhora chora
bolechilo " ja acche,sob diye de"
ami diyechilam
ar mone mone hesechilam
"sob ki nite parbe tomra amar theke?"

ami kintu sedin-o voy paini
sedin-o harini
jedin sada poshak pora bariwala
songe char-pachta mastan
egiye esechilo amar dike
bolechilo," chere jan sob kicchu.noile...."
ami chere esechilam
ar mone mone hesechilam
"sob jaiga theke ki tomra amake tarate parbe?"

ami kintu sedin-o voy paini
sedin-o harini
jedin lal poshak pora chintu
songe tar dosh khana gambat bondhu
egiye esechilo amar dike
football mathe, pa chaliyechilo
pa venge du tukro
bolechilo," sala, goal khabi ebar"
ami goal kheyechilam
ar mone mone hesechilam
" sob jaigate ki tomra amake goal dite parbe?"

ami kintu sedin voy peyechilam
sedin herechilam
jedin meghla dupure
brishtir modhye
amar chatata keu niye chole giyechilo
bolechilo," porerdin thik diye debo"
ekhono paini
ami diye diyechilam
ar mone mone hesechilam
kintu sedin
kichu bolte parini nijeke

aj-o chatata ferot paini

I don't know why I still stare blankly at the gtalk window and expect for something to happen. I don't know why I still hurry to see the senders name when any message is delivered to my cell, I don't know why I still rush to 8B expecting for someone to come. I really don't know. I have recovered.Right??!! then why? I don't know why I still feel jealous of the people who seem to be happy. I don't know why I still try to appear ignorant and triumphant in front of certain people. I really don't know. I've learned filtering. Right??!! Now I have learnt to distinguish between "non-serious" and "serious" words. then why? I don't know why I still expect, I don't know why I still trust, I don't know why I still cry. I have been able to make myself realize the reality. Right??!! then why?

Someday I wont trust anymore,someday I wont expect anymore,someday I wont try to shadow myself, someday I wont feel jealous anymore, someday I wont rush anymore,someday I wont log in to gtalk anymore.

That day, I will become silent just like my cellphone. As silent as the ocean.

The "best" of the jokes I've heard till date

# "Yesterday I got myself in an S-9, and a woman and the bus-conductor started yelling at each other there(*gimme a break plz*)"

# A hen was sitting on a tree, and she was laying eggs, but none of the eggs fell on the ground. how come?

cz the hen was wearing half pants [*typical gondho jokes*]


# show your index finger and say this is "Pankaj" then fold it and ask what is it?

-Pankaj Udas (*phewwww anirban :(*)

# show your index finger and say this is "abdullah" then shake it and ask what is it?

-Sheik Abdullah (*anirban! kill yourself :x*)

# "Shetai shetai" and "ufff!! ar parchi nah" (*okay! these really makes us laugh, people unaware wont be able to realize why*)

# bla bla bla ihduihguiwhhuwhuegggbhguyhgsyftyfwjwqjkjjhugqyuewgjhbvhgjhgwqegjjehnjhwqjhehbjhsgbhgwheg
jdnjhwjhbjdbwdbjbdjdbjbwbdwbbe (*guess who's talkin!!!)

Some threads, some rays of light, something that keeps people optimistic and then suddenly everything collapses, yours dreams get demolished in front of your eyes, and still life goes on. You say you are happy, you say you are happy to yourself but deep inside you,you know that you are not. You know things could have been much better for you. You know endings could have been better. But then you realize that everything in your life need not be the best. You realize even a bit worse things can turn out to be better with time. You realize hope is behind all evil. So then you kill the hope inside you. You are really happier now. But are you really? Right from your childhood, you have been taught that it is hope that keeps people alive. So are you dead? You better be. Because actually its not hope, it is sensitiveness that's behind everything. It makes people care for others, feel for others, cry for others, laugh for others, think for others, pray for others and ideally one should think about himself only. So now you kill it. You become insensitive. So now you don't have any dreams, don't have any hope, with hope faith is gone and so is gone affection, you don't have any of these qualities now. You don't feel for others, don't think of others. UNDEAD. Now you realize you have killed yourself in pursuit of happiness. And you are really happy now. Your own black and white world seems merrier. Your own mime characters are jollier. Congratulations!!! you have just accomplished the mission, you have just killed your soul in order to adapt yourself with this world. Amen!!!!

and again, no "what have I done"s.

I need Feviquick

Dismantled...disconnected...frustrated... but still in hope, hope is everything. It's a well heard story. I've heard it in childhood, a long time back. So, please excuse me if I get a bit jumbled up with the characters. But the storyline will be more or less the same, that much I can assure.

Once, there was no sorrow in this world. People used to remain happy no matter whatever happened. There was glee every where, every corner, every nook. God gave a small box to a man, and told him not to open it, whatever happens. The man took the box home, and placed it at a corner. Every now and then he would check it. But as days passed by, the man became a bit reluctant. He had a small girl. Her name was Pandora.One day, Pandora was playing while she heard some noise from inside the box. As she paid attention, she heard some voices from inside are begging to her to let them out. Pandora opened the lid of the box and some insects flew out from inside it. Some of them bit Pandora,and she screamed in pain. That was the first time on earth that people felt pain. The insects flew outside and bit everyone.People were screaming in pain. Being scared, Pandora quickly shut the lid. But then she heard a very sweet voice from inside requesting her to let it come out. Hesitatingly Pandora opened the lid again and a cute little pixie came out. She told," I am hope, I will help people to endure, to withstand their pains, their sorrows." She touched Pandora with her magic wand and all her pain was gone.

From then on, hope is helping people to overcome their pains. I wish it will help me too.
No " what have I done?" in this post.

The evolution of game engines

Well!! Be honest! and tell me that how many times have you bought or downloaded a game, and realised that its not supported by your hardware, or how many times you have felt jealous of your friend, who manages to play a game smoothly which just keeps on hiccuping in your system. You curse your graphics card, you say to himself that may be time has come for an upgrade. Your graphics card is not the sole one to be blamed, there is a small thing called graphics engine/game engine which powers almost everything in the game, just like an automobile engine that runs the vehicle.
Gone are the days when, people used to play games for free. Well, obviously,some games even these days come for free, but they are really minority, also you just don't get the same satisfaction level. Ever wondered about thosr jargons like pixel shaders, vertex shaders, anti aliasing?
The graphics engine may justly be referred as the heart of any game. In most of cases this is the area, which takes most of the time of the designer team.After it is built, usually programmers build the maps or levels that actually people play. But game engines may safely be regarded as the main task of game development. This is why "Valve" took almost 4 years to release "Half life 2".Its SOURCE engine may very well be marked as an revolution in gaming industry. After the engine is built, some companies just do so some minor modifications to use the same modified engine in their newer games, "Battlefield 2142" came very shortly after "Battlefield 2" . They both use the same engine with only minor modification, some companies just sell the engine to some other parties, SAGE is one such engine which has experienced many owners.
Prior to game engines, games were written as singular entities, right from the ground level to achieve the optimal usage of graphics hardware-- this was termed as Kernel by the developers.
The first generation of 3rd party game engines was mainly dominated by 3 players. Viz. BRender from Argonaut Software, Renderware from Criterion Software Limited and RenderMorphics' Reality Lab .However reality lab was taken over by Microsoft and was turned into Direct3D. Renderware was eventually taken over by Electronic Arts [EA]

In the next post, we will discuss more about the evolution of Game Engines and we will try to dig the past of some epical engines like the unreal engine , the SOURCE engine or the Quake engine

contd....

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! I am laughing my ass off. And seriously, it doesn't seem to stop or at least,its not giving any indication. This all started when I saw a profile in orkut. The self proclaimed beauty with brains.She says, she is innocent, and she also warns people, not to go by her looks. Luckily, I was able to get a glimpse of ms. orkut as she kept some photos of herself unlocked. Frankly speaking, I think she suffers from anorexia if not worse, like chronic bone decay or even marrow cancer or haemophilic anaemia. I can't remember of the last time, I saw a skinnier girl. Ksh, I am taking my words back, you are extremely fat in comparison with ms orkut. The whole profile page is full of me,me,me and me. And they say crunchy to be megalomaniac. He he. Her turn offs include models who according to her are dumb, attention/attitude seeking persons [lol!! atti means attitude I reckon, but what the heck does "attitude seeking" means?? and limited English (speaking/understanding/overall??? idk) is among her turn offs too],who on earth told you dear, that models are bimbos?? they are much more clever you are, at least. Her prime ambition in life is to earn loads. Ok!! that's perfectly normal. But then how come models be dumb??? I think they earn loads. :O. Her height is 162 cemis. She claims her to be one of the most brainy persons of West Bengal [if not world!!!], and she reads in BIT [techno India], poor girl :(. I am still laughing my ass off. That's why I thought of posting this. And Gondho:: "what have I done??" :D :D :D rtflmao

Because for popular demand among my classmates ,I am jotting it down.But before anyone else reads it, and wonders what the heck am I talking about, I better post some warning, that unless you are a student of Jadavpur University E-faculty or more specifically unless you are a student of the "popular" electrical engineering department, and unless you are familiar with PKC, the following may sound insane to you. And one thing I must say here that, I have written whatever I've heard, I haven't added a single word on my "own" although I doubt whether it's a good idea to use the word "own", because everything that follows, are my own words, and obviously it didn't came from PKC's mouth, but when they reached me,they sounded as follows. Finally I must mention that I've no intention to show any disrespect to PKC or the electrical department. I am writing down whatever I've heard. So here it goes---

Papa bear rolls capacitors. This A matrix permutes papa bear. Factorisation with foul intentions. A can be deleted. This interchange is asshole. We calculate factor L and a lot of A. Papa bear generates feces. Pee intended. Initially in this procedure A matrix is calculated for ceremonial purposes. Papa bear is an asshole. So our original problem was to find the social instability,Kelvinator fridges, you may get them if you are lucky. It causes larger Massachusetts. Now we will talk about aftershave lotions,LN computer cell. If you calculate in this fashion, the cyborgs gonna attack you. You compute all the elements like the Chequered flag. This is a thikthak salad. $#%#@%^@@@@^ [Latin word(s), can't be typed by qwerty keyboard I reckon!!] becomes a porn. The conserved variable annoys the God.


-- An excerpt from PKC's lecture on "Numerical analysis" dated 25.07.2009

At some point of time, all of us are forced to make a decision ie. what actually we want. Do we want peace of our own soul or are we truly determined to devote our soul for the sake of others.

Frankly speaking, it all started on august,2008, when I saw a someone with a weird name. The name was uncommon but I knew its meaning, and till now I've never came across a namesake of hers. There's some feelings that you can't express, you can't make someone understand that why an otherwise outspoken person starts stammering in front of a particular person. You can't make someone feel that how come another one becomes able to predict what's going on in his/her mind. You can't make someone understand that its not God gifted. There's some feelings that you can never share with someone else, you can never share the experience of praying for someone else's sake while getting soaked in rain and shivering in cold, the agony or frustration that someone experiences when he feels that the voice of the person he is talking to, is coming from a locked room. You can never tell anyone that how it feels to shed tears for others, feel the pain of others. People simply think that what other people do is for themselves. that others are damn selfish,true are they. People are selfish. That's why some people yell at others while the later is in pain. But what remains untold is that the former is experiencing a twofold pain seeing the other in pain. There are some things that should remain untold. And they remain untold, the agony of being late, the agony of seeing someone you love,getting lost, the agony of failing to express emotions properly.Some say these are signs of obsession, some say of compulsion, and some say of true love. That can bet anything to see a piece of smile, to wipe a drop of tear, to ascertain true happiness of others.

I knocked a door, a voice from inside told me to come in. As I entered it, I felt its already overcrowded, then someone from inside the room kicked me out, I waited outside the door, gradually all left, there was pindrop silence, suddenly I heard a sob. I cried out from outside," hey you there!! is everything okay??". A voice replied," yes and no." From then I am waiting outside the same door for the sob to stop, my heart telling me," someday it will stop, someday your weak shoulder will help someone." but it isn't. So I am still waiting. Waiting for eternity to see a phoenix, my phoenix, that loves to win, but dares to face the cruelty of failure, that rebuilts itself from ashes.

What's the duty of friends? Are they supposed to always butter you? Keep muttering words like, " You are the best as you are", " and that's our...." blah blah blah, or are they supposed to slap you when you require one or two. I've always preferred one of the second type,who will pat my shoulders when I deserve, and kick my butt when I deserve. The problem is whenever someone tells one to change, the later one often grows a sense that " I am not welcome as I am", and a misunderstanding gets created. I think in this short span of my life, whatever I have suffered, I have suffered on my own. Obviously my friends and family were on my side most of the time but at the end of the day, it was me who had to undergo all of it. And I have always preferred the ones, who used to alert me of the pain, I have always preferred harsh,crude words that makes one almost cry, but removes the root of pain. I am really confused now, what will I do? should I continue being the bad guy or should I get transformed into yet another " I am your best friend" and say," You shouldn't change yourself, you are best as you are.". I am really confused. :(

Every time I feel being lost, being defeated, I tune in to this magical creation. I don't know what's in it, but there's something that soothes me, that relieves me of my pain [although temporarily], that's tells me that there's a long way to go, that tells me to fight and win, to fight till the last drop of blood falls on the ground. There's something in it.




When I wish to cry, but the tears cease to fall, the eyes aches and reddens, I listen to this. It seems boring at first but once the solo begins, I suddenly feel myself in a sea of gloom. And the tears come of easily. Moreover, near the ending there's a tune that suddenly makes me happy, and I realise yet again that the path of life is thorny, but at the end, it compensates everything.