Realisation

Dead... alive... dead..put back into life... dead again...resurrected... dead... like what's happening with me??? every time I try to find the essence of life, my destiny's playing the villain's role. The finch is within my reach, and my goal is to clinch it. But every time I close my fist, I find nothing there. Like the sands, dry sands escaping my grasp. What have I done God? Why don't you let me catch the finch. I wanna play the potter too. What's my fault. Is it my fault that I want to see every face around me gleeful? or is it that I bleed for others?? Whenever necessary people take advantage of me, use me and when they get what they wanted they simply throw me away. Be that of any physical significance or emotionally. I behave rudely with those with whom I should have behaved more patiently, I hurt those who care for me, I distrust those who are really trustworthy, I feel bored with those with whom I should have enjoyed the most, and they! they still love me, solace me, gives me a corner to hide, a door to close, a world to me, and I behave politely with those with whom I should have been rude, arrogant. I don't know myself. Like what I want, what I do, what I say everything regarding me is out of my control. But I will resurrect me soon. and this time it will be resurrecting myself. none other than me.